Agents of Gotham: The New Commissioner Gordon Series

Yesterday, the Marvel TV series tie-in, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., premièred.

Yesterday, it was also coincidentally announced that FOX are going through with the new DC TV series tie-in, Gotham. 

I’m kidding, of course it’s not a bloody coincidence, DC were being timely dicks. But it happened and the show’ll focus on the hard-working, oft-moustachio’d Commissioner Gordon.

Not the death-defying Gary Oldman James Gordon, but a younger Detective Gordon. One who hasn’t met Batman. 

Don’t fucking expect Batman.

And definitely don’t expect Robert “Everybody Love Me” Downey Jr. 

I could have said Iron Man, but I think internet dwellers get instant boners when they hear his name. 

JENNIFER LAWRENCE!

Too much? Is the amount of awesomeness too damn high, is it? Is it, meme people?

You know what? Don’t expect any superhero to make an appearance. It’s been said that Gotham will not feature any. However, we do get villains. Specifically “the villains that made Gotham famous”. 

It seems like Gotham might be focussing on mob bosses like the Falcone family and probably other well-known Gotham residents. Maybe we’ll get the occasional “supervillain” like Calendar Man, Riddler and hopefully the Holiday Killer. 

No announcements have been made as to who will be who since a bunch of networks have just finished bidding for it, but British writer Bruno Heller (The Mentalist, Rome) is set to pen the script.

That’s all the information I have from my inside source.

Keep coming back for…stuff…I write. It’s not boring sometimes!

More Harry Potter. Kinda.

If you liked Harry Potter enough when you were young, you may have come across the spin-off books Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them and Quidditch Throughout the Ages, the latter being somewhat less exciting considering it was the history and rules of a sport that does not exist, the rules of which were not at all consistent with the Harry Potter series.

Luckily, J.K. Rowling has decided that Fantastical Beasts and Where to Find Them should be it’s own movie series. Fuck yeah.

The film will centre on the author of the textbook, Newt Scamander, as he documents all the magical creatures that exist in the world. This guy used to be a Magizoologist for the Ministry of Magic, so you know he’s legit. Or he was legit. The film will be set around the 1920’s, so we can really get a look at how NOTHING SEEMS TO CHANGE in the world of witches and wizards.

Like, seriously…they use fucking candles and gas lamps to light everything,  they have some strict aversion to any kind of technology and they have never thought to add nitrous oxide systems to their broomsticks. Actually, this should come as no surprise when none of the witches and wizards really go onto become something like engineers or scientists. Their career options are apparently limited to working at the Ministry, becoming a professor or running a shop in Diagon Alley. Or Quidditch, if they’re willing to die young.

J.K. Rowling has said that “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is neither a prequel nor a sequel to the Harry Potter series, but an extension of the wizarding world,” which is fine by me. Seeing the Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Draco as adults who hadn’t finished puberty at the end of the series was enough hilarity for me.

Warner Bros approached the author with the idea and after deliberation, she decided she wanted to write the screenplay herself. And they let her, presumably because Warner Bros can smell money from her every orifice. Eww…I’m sorry guys and gals.

Expect tons of awesome CG magical beasts and an intriguing story that hopefully includes less camping in the woods.

Arrested Development: The Movie

This news is so colossal, I’m questioning why issues concerning Syria are taking up front pages.

Yes, I realise that Arrested Development is a TV show and the Syria dilemma is real life, but my priorities are clearly a bit fucked up. That’s my excuse. Deal with it.

If you didn’t get it from the cryptic title, Arrested Development is in the process of having a film made of it.

The creator, Mitch Hurwitz said these exact words in the following order.

“I’m working on the movie right now, I can’t get into much more detail because I don’t want to scare anybody off. I don’t want to be presumptuous about it.”

After waiting the long wait we had to for Season 4, it should be known that despite his unsure tone, this seems a lot more solid and reliable than the casts’ and his own comments on the continuation of the show after the third season.

He even said, “I’m hoping it happens as soon as possible”. So are we Mitch. So are we.

He assures us further with, “A TV season is a sixth month commitment, but I think it would be very doable to get them together for four or five weeks to make a movie.”

Spoilers follow these words. Be warned.

The last season ended on a bit of an awkward cliffhanger that kinda felt like it should have just cut away to a different scene. Instead it left us abruptly without a follow-up episode, ending with George Miharis having just punched Michael for knowingly going out with Rebel Alley at the same time as his son.

The spoilers have ended and now let me come with the kicker. Apparently Mitch Hurwitz’s would ideally like to make another season once the film is done with. Isn’t this awesome?

September 2013 – TV Shows That You Will Watch.

I’ve thought about another way to get a post done without having to think much about what I’m writing. Since most human beings don’t devote as much time to TV shows as I do, I thought it would be good for everyone to see when certain programs are returning or premiering in September 2013. There are loads of them, but I’ll be filtering out whatever I consider to be crap or something no one should watch, which includes, but in no way is limited to, any TV shows which feature some kind of competition, 99% of generic cop/detective dramas, any reality show which features people doing extreme jobs, any reality show which follows otherwise forgotten people about around and really generally anything I’m not familiar with.

Since it’s 2013, I’m going to going with the dates each of these shows starts in America and you can not wait for them to be released in England. Because fuck national exclusivity.

Here we go:

September 2nd

Comedy Central Roast of James Franco

Roasts are fun. And this one will be hosted by Seth Rogan.

Regular Show – Season 5

A children’s cartoon with a adult following, much like Adventure Time.

September 4th

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Season 9

Including and episode written Game of Thrones screenwriters and the gang makes a Lethal Weapon 6

The League – Season 5

It seems like too long since The League’s last season. I want more Rafi.

September 8th

Boardwalk Empire – Season 4

I haven’t got around to watching this, but it’s back.

September 15th

Downton Abbey – Season 4

This is actually the date it’s showing in the UK, so…those who watch it will already know…

September 16th

Sleepy Hollow – NEW

Based on the film, a guy from the Civil War period is in the modern day, hunting down the Headless Horseman. Here’s a link to the trailer.

September 17th

Brooklyn Nine-Nine – NEW

The new Adam Samberg comedy of which I have no idea what to think. I mean, the dude was in Grown Ups 2. Here’s another link.

Dads – NEW

You should know what I think of this. Next month, I shall be proved wrong or right. CRINGE AT THE TRAILER.

The Mindy Project – Season 2

The first episode seemed promising, and it’s been picked up for a second season so you might wanna check this out.

New Girl – Season 3

How interesting can it get now Jess and Nick are together? QUESTIONS!!!

September 18th

Key & Peele – Season 3

God, what a fucking perfect sketch show.

September 22nd

China, IL – Season 2

Just found out that Brad Neeley, webcomic artist, has a fucking Adult Swim TV show.

September 23rd

The Blacklist – NEW

James Spader appears in this drama, which actually looks pretty coolio. I said coolio. Here’s a trailer or a shortened episode.

How I Met Your Mother – Season 9

You might find out who the mother is. I think you do now.

September 24th

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – NEW

To tie in with all of Marvel’s films and whatnot. They’re on it. Keep up DC. TRAILER.

The Goldbergs – NEW

Only included this because it has Jeff Garlin and Patton Oswalt narrates. Can’t tell if it’s funny yet. You decide.

Trophy Wife – NEW

Again, only included because I like Bradley Whitford. The voiceovers are getting annoying. Watch the trailer.

September 25th

Modern Family – Season 5

Simply loved by everyone. Can’t diss this.

South Park – Season 17

More sharp, satirical metaphors from the two greatest writers Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

September 26th

The Big Bang Theory – Season 7

It’s funny because they’re smart, but they’re geeks.

The Crazy Ones – NEW

A show about how normal people react to Robin Williams. And the trailer.

Elementary – Season 2

Watch this while you wait for Sherlock to come back.

Glee – Season 5

Included because my sister watches this and Cory Montieth died.

The Michael J. Fox Show – NEW

I assume this will be a lot like the Squigglevision I was talking about in Dr. Katz. The trailer, for your viewing pleasures.

Parks and Recreation – Season 6

Apparently there’ll be an hour-special set in London. Like Friends.

September 29th

American Dad – Season 10

Knock off Family Guy already in it’s tenth season. Let’s hope Dads dies earlier.

Bob’s Burgers – Season 4

Yes. Just yes.

Eastbound & Down – Season 4

Such an American TV show with such an American guy. About baseball and starring redneck Danny McBride.

Family Guy – Season 12

Jesus Seth, no wonder Dads is looking bleak. Just in case you didn’t get it, Dads will flop.

Hello Ladies – NEW

Stephen Merchant’s new HBO sitcom, starring himself and his friend, the American Barry from Eastenders. Here’s a mini trailer.

Homeland – Season 3

Featuring gingerman and woman who looks like she’s really annoying.

The Simpsons – Season 25

FUCKING HELL. Does anyone still keep up to date with The Simpsons?

That’s all, I’ll do another one for next month I guess. This could become a regular thing,

You’re welcomo.

Plans for David Brent

At the end of 2003, we bid farewell to David Brent. A tragic, egotistical, pathetic man who helped changed TV comedy. And also caused a massive excess of mockumentary TV shows.

But as Arrested Development has proved, things we love will come back to us once more. Granted Firefly fans aren’t getting jack shit, but mentioning that wouldn’t allow me to prove anything.

Ricky Gervais’ character and counterpart David Brent first appeared outside of The Office UK in The Office US, because it’s his show and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Luckily he did it before Steve Carell left and presumably distanced himself from the show as they jumped the shark.

After his two appearances in America, Brent then appeared on YouTube, with a few videos that tried to capture the magic of Brent outside the Office, sans Howard from Halifax. Instead he has Doc Brown, whose music Brent is producing and whose race Brent is trying to associate with. Leading to the awesome comic relief reggae rap music video, Equality Street, performed by Gervais and Doc Brown, with another video about to how this collaborating came about.

Turns out this video is damn prophetic when I saw a sad union of Robbie Williams and Dizzee Rascal, with the only difference being the song is not about equality.

The latest Brent has done are these weekly “Learn Guitar with David Brent” YouTube videos.

But now, Ricky Gervais has said that he wants to make a fucking David Brent movie.

A DAVID BRENT MOVIE.

Soak it in. Forget about Affleck as Batman and think about a full feature with David Brent, the man who brought us a fusion of flashdance and MC Hammer shit.

But that’s not all, Gervais has actually got a few other things lined up for Brent. Starting with a frickin’ record deal. You might be able to buy “Free Love Freeway”, or torrent it.

After this, Brent will appear in a few charity concerts. Woop.

Then the film will be made, probably focusing on Brent trying to make his dream of becoming a musician come true. Something Gervais accomplished early in his life.

Good news? Or do you not give a fuck? Or have I been confusing you with alternating use of Gervais and Brent to talk about the same person more or less? Let me know if you have a few seconds free.

Toy Story…OF TERROR

Buzz Lightyear, Woody and gang are back.

Minus Hamm, Mrs. Potato Head and Slinky. Slinky is a bit of a fucking traitor (Toy Story), so he can suck it. I want Hamm though. I crave Hamm.

The Toy Story franchise is being revived for a half hour TV special called Toy Story of Terror. Of course it’s going to be released October 16th, because that’s a scary month.

A ten-minute clip was shown by Disney at something called the D23 the other day. For some reason that I must chase up, I wasn’t cordially invited to this event, so it was awkward when I read about it and how awesome and funny it was. I was just sitting there like, “Yeah, whatever, I was busy that day anyway.”

I heard through the internet grapevine that it starts with the toys watching a horror film on a laptop in the boot of Bonnie’s mother’s car, as they travel through a fittingly eerie night. When Bonnie’s mum decides to stay overnight at a motel, Mr. Potato Head goes missing and the gang search for him. If you’re wondering who Bonnie is, she’s the toys’ new owner who nonchalantly accepted the toys from a blubbering and broken Andy (Toy Story 3). It’s at times like that when we have to remember that Andy does not know that the toys are sentient. He thinks they are just toys. Yet he waves at them so solemnly.

The recently introduced toys, Ken (Michael Keaton), Pixie (Kristen Schaal) and Mr. Pricklepants (Timonthy Dalton) return and Carl Goddamn Weathers stars as the new character Combat Carl. 

Jessie will be the main character of this special, with some more of her traumatic flashbacks (Toy Story 2) to make teenagers and adults sob. It’s a horror film so we need a female lead as every character is slowly murdered, their mutilated carcasses left hanging by their threads, leaving a blood-caked Jessie forcing her lone self to toughen up and take down the disfigured, near-immortal slaughterer.

Adult Sid? Please be Sid.

The Exorcist TV Series

Well fuck.

Some searching is in progress, looking for a crew to bring back the Exorcist series with the focus on the foul-mouthed 12-year old Reagan MacNeil. So far we only know the producer of The Ring, The Grudge and Woman in Black and the writer writing the new Fantastic Four screenplay are involved. I don’t think names are as important as their résumé, plus I closed down the tab where it said their names and I don’t feel the need to reopen it.

It was only a matter of time before this reached the small screen. TV shows used to become big enough to release their own film (South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, Reno 911 Miami) and now when movie franchises gain enough of a following, a big budget TV series is suddenly in the works (S.H.I.E.L.D., Arrow, Friday Night Lights, Bates Motel). Plus, with the popularity of American Horror Story and Hannibal and other horror TV series, it seems like a perfect time to rehash the exorcism story. I guess.

Will this be any good? Let me answer my own question because no one else is going to pose it; the first Exorcist film was very scary when it was made in 1973 and it had a young girl saying “cunt” before Chloë Grace Moretz made it cool in Kick-Ass. When I watched it for the first time earlier this year, as a baby of the 90’s, I didn’t find it all too frightening. To match that level of heart-attack inducement would be an enormous challenge, but with a TV show, I suppose the plot would be a priority that would equal the thrills. And…

Wait a second, all this conjecture is pointless. Like three details have come out about it and I’m attempting a prediction based on the little knowledge I have on all things horror.

Fuck it, we’ll wait and see how the trailer looks.

Seth MacFarlane’s Dads: The “I Told You So” Edition

About six days ago, a bunch of TV critics got to see the pilot of Seth MacFarlane’s new comedy Dads. Why don’t we just see what some of the critics had to say about it:

“It simply isn’t funny, going for obvious, groan-inducing comedy” – Eric Goldman

“…a high profile act of slut-shaming and ethnic jokes” – Joel Mathis

“casually racist and horrifically unfunny” – Jace Jacob

“It’s mostly nasty about women of colour” – Linda Holmes

“Having people braying at “ironic” racism makes it real racism” – Todd VanDerWerff

So racist and unfunny seems to be a running theme here. Although, I’m sure it can’t be counted as “real racism” as I highly doubt Seth MacFarlane is genuinely racist. With what I’ve seen and read, it seems that South Park were right, Seth MacFarlane is just terrible at jokes. Maybe this is the show where Seth MacFarlane ditched the manatees and instead relied on tired ethnic stereotypes you’d have used to insult your friends in high school. There’s even a Latina maid with the same kind of broken English and appearance as Consuela in Family Guy. Seth McaFarlane is recycling his own jokes. The manatee’s jokes I mean.

By the way, if you think any of this is exaggerated. Here are a few jokes that have been pointed out.

Brenda Song (Social Network, Suite Life of…just Social Network) says here father “beat me with a math book“.

She dresses as a “sexy Asian schoolgirl”

And by far, the worst one I came across,

“That creepy translator texted me a picture of his tiny Chinese penis”

Again, I’m not complaining that it’s offensively racist, as these are just stereotypes, but they are offensively shitty. I mean, he just had to throw in the “Chinese” just so we were completely clear on why his dick was small.

It’s like saying “the Chinese guy’s crashed his car because he’s Chinese and he’s a bad driver”.

Apparently Seth MacFarlane has all the creativity as a 12-year old on Xbox live.

The FOX chairman responded by saying, well The Big Bang Theory had initially bad reviews. I haven’t seen much of that show, but from what I have seen, at least I didn’t use the same jokes on my friends as a kid. A racist kid apparently, but that was what we did for some reason.

Yes, I wrote this whole article to prove myself, and my graph, right to people who don’t care, don’t have an opinion and had they had one, would have come to the exact same conclusion as me. But fuck you, I need little victories.

Burka Avenger

In case you don’t find the title interesting, I’m guessing it’s because you’re unsure of what burqa actually means. Well…

This is a burqa (AKA niqab) wearer contrasted with a non-burqa wearer.

Burqa is the Urdu word for ninja. Have you seriously ever seen anything closer resemble a ninja than an actual ninja?

It was probably from this connection that Pakistani pop star Haroon decided that Pakistan needed their own Batman and created the Burka Avenger, known by day as Jiya, who has been described as a “mild-mannered teacher” at a girl’s school.

Whenever someone is described as “mild-mannered”, you know shit is gonna go down.

Without further ado, Burka Avenger,

Now those aren’t like some cool Wolverine/X-23 claws, those are just pencils. She fights crime with pencils and books. To be fair, this is a children’s show. I really should have mentioned that at the start.

The interesting thing about this show is not only the crazy ridiculous premise that I’d always have in the back of my mind whenever I saw a sexy pair of eyes behind a burqa but it’s concerning it’s massive coverage on, like, all news. Including BBC, The Guardian and the ever-knowledgeable Daily Mail.

This is mainly due to the fact that she’s wearing a burqa, which is pretty much exclusively worn by oppressed women and extreme sociophobes.

What the Burka Avenger does is fight terrorists who try to shut down a girl’s school because apparently that’s what they actually do in real life. It’s just that they’d rather not allow girls to become educated women with a mind of their own. It’s not what their twisted version of Islam calls for. This is a version of Islam that promises seventy-two virgins, so the aspirations of women can’t be too high.

By the way, my religion offers seventy-THREE virgins if you follow this blog and don’t explode yourself. Unless you can do it naturally, in which case, do it in your own home.

Anyways, she fights terrorists and tries to keep her school open. She doesn’t wear a burqa as a teacher, but does wear it as a crime fighter, which is where the problem comes in. Apparently.

You see, ultra-feminists, have not taken kindly to this. What was that? Did I just hear a collective “Oh for fuck sake”?

They say, alien to the concept of superheroes, that the Burka Avenger can only be powerful while hiding behind a burqa. There’s two reasons this is utter bullshit, one is that she is a teacher in a Pakistani school and two, FUCKING SPIDER-MAN, BATMAN, CATWOMAN, BATGIRL and almost every superhero ever conceived wears a god damn mask, you whores! Sorry, maybe that was a bit out of hand, just stop trying to pick on everything, it gets exhausting.

I’m just saying, the idea for this show could be somewhat beneficial in terms of how influential Pakistani TV shows can be and despite my aversion to women wearing burqas, I do like the idea of a ninja burqa woman who fights the taliban. I just wish they’d make a more graphic version. Graphic as in violence. I’m not looking for burqa nudity.

Pictured above: Burqa nudity.

Sequel to The Inbetweeners Movie

This is just a quick post to let people who don’t look at irrelevant news concerning TV and film know that The Inbetweeners Movie 2 is in production and is set for release in early August.

*cough*2014*cough.

I know what you’re thinking; If I was trying to be conspicuous, maybe I shouldn’t have put that on a separate line. Maybe you’re just wondering why I would try to hide that fact? Because I feel stupid writing about it over a year earlier than it’s release date.

Or were you just thinking that you should scroll down through the post to see how long it is and whether it’s worth your time? If it’s the latter, let me tell you now, it isn’t worth your time. Leave.

You’re not welcome in these parts.

Obviously each and every cringe-inducing character will be returning, Neil, the oblivious and overly lucky lamppost, Jay, the self-obsessed compulsive liar/masturbator, Simon, the human embodiment of awkward and Will, best described as the briefcase wanker.

There have been rumours that the film will have them backpacking around Australia and maybe, just maybe, something about a wedding for Neil but nothing has really been confirmed.

So everyone can look forward to another The Inbetweeners feature which is essentially an extended episode. Which is fine with me. The Inbetweeners is fucking hilarious.