September 2013 – TV Shows That You Will Watch.

I’ve thought about another way to get a post done without having to think much about what I’m writing. Since most human beings don’t devote as much time to TV shows as I do, I thought it would be good for everyone to see when certain programs are returning or premiering in September 2013. There are loads of them, but I’ll be filtering out whatever I consider to be crap or something no one should watch, which includes, but in no way is limited to, any TV shows which feature some kind of competition, 99% of generic cop/detective dramas, any reality show which features people doing extreme jobs, any reality show which follows otherwise forgotten people about around and really generally anything I’m not familiar with.

Since it’s 2013, I’m going to going with the dates each of these shows starts in America and you can not wait for them to be released in England. Because fuck national exclusivity.

Here we go:

September 2nd

Comedy Central Roast of James Franco

Roasts are fun. And this one will be hosted by Seth Rogan.

Regular Show – Season 5

A children’s cartoon with a adult following, much like Adventure Time.

September 4th

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Season 9

Including and episode written Game of Thrones screenwriters and the gang makes a Lethal Weapon 6

The League – Season 5

It seems like too long since The League’s last season. I want more Rafi.

September 8th

Boardwalk Empire – Season 4

I haven’t got around to watching this, but it’s back.

September 15th

Downton Abbey – Season 4

This is actually the date it’s showing in the UK, so…those who watch it will already know…

September 16th

Sleepy Hollow – NEW

Based on the film, a guy from the Civil War period is in the modern day, hunting down the Headless Horseman. Here’s a link to the trailer.

September 17th

Brooklyn Nine-Nine – NEW

The new Adam Samberg comedy of which I have no idea what to think. I mean, the dude was in Grown Ups 2. Here’s another link.

Dads – NEW

You should know what I think of this. Next month, I shall be proved wrong or right. CRINGE AT THE TRAILER.

The Mindy Project – Season 2

The first episode seemed promising, and it’s been picked up for a second season so you might wanna check this out.

New Girl – Season 3

How interesting can it get now Jess and Nick are together? QUESTIONS!!!

September 18th

Key & Peele – Season 3

God, what a fucking perfect sketch show.

September 22nd

China, IL – Season 2

Just found out that Brad Neeley, webcomic artist, has a fucking Adult Swim TV show.

September 23rd

The Blacklist – NEW

James Spader appears in this drama, which actually looks pretty coolio. I said coolio. Here’s a trailer or a shortened episode.

How I Met Your Mother – Season 9

You might find out who the mother is. I think you do now.

September 24th

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – NEW

To tie in with all of Marvel’s films and whatnot. They’re on it. Keep up DC. TRAILER.

The Goldbergs – NEW

Only included this because it has Jeff Garlin and Patton Oswalt narrates. Can’t tell if it’s funny yet. You decide.

Trophy Wife – NEW

Again, only included because I like Bradley Whitford. The voiceovers are getting annoying. Watch the trailer.

September 25th

Modern Family – Season 5

Simply loved by everyone. Can’t diss this.

South Park – Season 17

More sharp, satirical metaphors from the two greatest writers Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

September 26th

The Big Bang Theory – Season 7

It’s funny because they’re smart, but they’re geeks.

The Crazy Ones – NEW

A show about how normal people react to Robin Williams. And the trailer.

Elementary – Season 2

Watch this while you wait for Sherlock to come back.

Glee – Season 5

Included because my sister watches this and Cory Montieth died.

The Michael J. Fox Show – NEW

I assume this will be a lot like the Squigglevision I was talking about in Dr. Katz. The trailer, for your viewing pleasures.

Parks and Recreation – Season 6

Apparently there’ll be an hour-special set in London. Like Friends.

September 29th

American Dad – Season 10

Knock off Family Guy already in it’s tenth season. Let’s hope Dads dies earlier.

Bob’s Burgers – Season 4

Yes. Just yes.

Eastbound & Down – Season 4

Such an American TV show with such an American guy. About baseball and starring redneck Danny McBride.

Family Guy – Season 12

Jesus Seth, no wonder Dads is looking bleak. Just in case you didn’t get it, Dads will flop.

Hello Ladies – NEW

Stephen Merchant’s new HBO sitcom, starring himself and his friend, the American Barry from Eastenders. Here’s a mini trailer.

Homeland – Season 3

Featuring gingerman and woman who looks like she’s really annoying.

The Simpsons – Season 25

FUCKING HELL. Does anyone still keep up to date with The Simpsons?

That’s all, I’ll do another one for next month I guess. This could become a regular thing,

You’re welcomo.

Plans for David Brent

At the end of 2003, we bid farewell to David Brent. A tragic, egotistical, pathetic man who helped changed TV comedy. And also caused a massive excess of mockumentary TV shows.

But as Arrested Development has proved, things we love will come back to us once more. Granted Firefly fans aren’t getting jack shit, but mentioning that wouldn’t allow me to prove anything.

Ricky Gervais’ character and counterpart David Brent first appeared outside of The Office UK in The Office US, because it’s his show and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Luckily he did it before Steve Carell left and presumably distanced himself from the show as they jumped the shark.

After his two appearances in America, Brent then appeared on YouTube, with a few videos that tried to capture the magic of Brent outside the Office, sans Howard from Halifax. Instead he has Doc Brown, whose music Brent is producing and whose race Brent is trying to associate with. Leading to the awesome comic relief reggae rap music video, Equality Street, performed by Gervais and Doc Brown, with another video about to how this collaborating came about.

Turns out this video is damn prophetic when I saw a sad union of Robbie Williams and Dizzee Rascal, with the only difference being the song is not about equality.

The latest Brent has done are these weekly “Learn Guitar with David Brent” YouTube videos.

But now, Ricky Gervais has said that he wants to make a fucking David Brent movie.

A DAVID BRENT MOVIE.

Soak it in. Forget about Affleck as Batman and think about a full feature with David Brent, the man who brought us a fusion of flashdance and MC Hammer shit.

But that’s not all, Gervais has actually got a few other things lined up for Brent. Starting with a frickin’ record deal. You might be able to buy “Free Love Freeway”, or torrent it.

After this, Brent will appear in a few charity concerts. Woop.

Then the film will be made, probably focusing on Brent trying to make his dream of becoming a musician come true. Something Gervais accomplished early in his life.

Good news? Or do you not give a fuck? Or have I been confusing you with alternating use of Gervais and Brent to talk about the same person more or less? Let me know if you have a few seconds free.

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist Pilot

You’ll never see lazier drawing than what you’ll find in this show. The characters don’t move apart from their eyes and lips. Everything around them is coloured in grey except the things they’re using or going to use. It’s like Schindler’s List, but with more Jewish people.

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist was the first animation to introduce Squigglevision. Which means that the characters’ outlines constantly move and wave, making everyone look like they were drawn by nervous, jittery meth heads. Their noses also look like smiles, which can get distracting and downright freaky.

It’s a comedy that mostly revolves around a therapist Dr. Katz (Jonathan Katz) who listens to the problems of his many clients, most of whom are well-known comedians including Ray Romano, Louis C.K. Emo Philips, Jeffrey Ross, Jon Stewart, Patton Oswalt, Ben Stiller, Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, Sarah Silverman, Dave Chapelle and a lot of others you don’t know. As you can see from the inclusion of Emo Philips and Dave Chapelle, this show is not recent, first aired in 1995 and ending 1999. It also included the voice actor messiah, H. Jon Benjamin’s (Archer, Bob’s Burgers), first TV role.

The therapy sessions serve as a stage for the comedians to perform their comedy routines with cartoon representation (a bit like The Ricky Gervais Show) and Dr. Katz replying to their words. This just makes everything more funny because whatever jokes are made just make them sound stranger. You’ll understand when you watch it. Or not, but to be honest, I couldn’t give less of a fuck.

These therapy sessions are absolute gold. Listening to Ray Romano talk about not remembering whether he shampooed his hair in the shower cannot be presented in a funnier way than this show allows. The back-and-forths between the characters outside of the therapy sessions aren’t always as good though, especially the scenes between Ben (H. Jon Benjamin) and Laura (Laura Silverman). Although Dr. Katz’s conversations at the bar with his two friends are usually pretty awesome.

As the ultra-observant may have spotted, I’ve included lots of links to clips of the show in this post because this show could easily be enjoyed through clips of the therapy sessions alone. Check out one of the clips and tell me why this show isn’t more well known.

YouTube’s Greatest – Double Dream Hands

The most merry dance ever taught to the masses. This guy’s enthusiasm rivals the ShamWow guy and the sheer joy emanating from his movements is infectious enough to make even the most joyless among us feel happiness.

Everybody should try the double dream hands once in their life and feel as your body convulses with a cocktail of embarrassment, adrenaline and excitement.

And don’t forget to fucking freestyle.

Ugly Americans Pilot

Recently I realised that I’ve done nothing but praise the pilots I’ve watched like I’m being paid by various channels to vigorously promote their programs. With my following and influence, they’d clearly be making a massive mistake in overestimating my importance. Maybe I need to review shows that don’t immediately appeal to me or maybe I should just slam a TV show that I love for the sake of keeping some kind of balance. Hmm…

Ugly Americans is absolutely terrible. It’s so terrible that I’m on the second season and I can’t stand it. I’ve seen the pilot twice and I regret it. 

The show revolves around a man named Mark Lily, a social worker in the most bizarrely integrated New York ever conceived. A city festering with monsters, manbirds whose language consists mostly of variations of the sentence “Suck my balls”, koala people, demons, wizards, sexually reproducing trees, horny zombies, timid trolls and land whales.

Is there really any more to talk about? That sounds like a pile of shit. A TV show where the plot limits match the limits of the writers’ imagination? Who the fuck thought that would be a good idea?

When a TV show has episodes about treegasms, manbirds boxing with their dicks, King Kong’s agoraphobia and Mark having to kill 499 little baby versions of his wizard friend, I almost don’t ever want to stop writing lists of things in Ugly Americans since they all sound so fucking unusual on paper.

Watch this. I can’t keep writing it’s crap out of fear that people might take it seriously (I have very little faith in human intelligence). So if you watch anything I’ve recommended so far, let it be this. Then you’ll have so much faith in my opinion that I’ll never have to try and convince you to do anything again.

YouTube’s Greatest – Real Life Portal Gun

If you’ve ever played that video game Portal, you’ll probably have wondered what it would be like to own that super sci-fi portal gun.

These guys show us that we’re likely to just dick around and screw each other over as much as possible.

The Three Part Story: The Boss

The poison in the cup would give the aging man stomach pains so severe that, coupled with his crippling arthritis, he would almost certainly pass out from so much agony.

Mr. Fraser was the kind of man who found pleasure in causing other people suffering, particularly psychological torture, even if he couldn’t see it. He perceived it as entertainment of the highest order that was restricted to those of high social standing and immense wealth. When the occasional victim accused him of being a sadist, he corrected them, saying he wasn’t sexually aroused by seeing people miserable, he was passionately in love with it.

The thought fuelled the long strides and quick pace of Mr. Fraser, who carried a cup consisting of ground coffee, two teaspoons of sugar, some water, some antifreeze and some milk. Signs of childish excitement infected each of his facial features the more he pictured the old man in pain, and his day was made better by the ghostly faces of miserable commuters. His eyes glassed over as he reached the corner of the street, and he felt a shove that sent a shock through from his elbow to each of his fingers, which instinctively spread out, dropping the cup which fell and spilled over the Armani leather toecap shoes he bought to go with his Armani black and grey pinstriped suit.

Fucking slum rat.

The Indian man apologised sincerely to Mr. Fraser and offered him some money for his coffee. Mr. Fraser held his shoulder amiably and politely declined the money, (“It was a mere accident my friend, your money is no good here,”) and finished with a hearty laugh. His hand dropped down the man’s arm and reached swiftly into his pocket to remove the man’s mobile phone. They exchanged false wishes for good days to one another and parted.

Mr. Fraser pocketed the phone, swore under his breath and reached for his own phone. His fingers trembled with outrage as he slid through his contacts to find the number of one of the offices he owned, the number available to customers. A nervous woman answered the phone and he, pretending to be a customer, shouted at her until he could detect a submissive quiver in her voice. He then hung up, angrier than he initially was. He scrolled through his contacts again and caught the number of the subordinate who was running the phones he had just called. He told the man to sack the woman he had just called. He had had eleven other people fired earlier that month.

He replaced the phone in his hand with the phone of the man who had ruined his day. He rifled through the messages for a while to find out that he was a plastic surgeon. He opened the “Gallery” folder and Mr. Fraser’s hands began leaking with sweat. A grin split his lips like a long, thin scar as he browsed.

One corpse. Another corpse. And another. The faces all carved up.

He felt a rush of vigour and hope as his sweaty fingers sloppily tapped the contact name of the hospital he assumed the man was working at. The doctor was busy. Five more calls in the next three hours. Busy. Two hours later, his secretary answered the phone and he was put through. He told the doctor that he wanted him to perform his art on a living subject that Mr. Fraser would send to his hospital with the doctor’s phone. Yamraj swore angrily, but of course he complied once he realised the threat of his livelihood was at stake.

Evening had come and Mr. Fraser was on his way to the old man, the phone tucked away in his blazer. Tonight, he was eager the old man suffer. After meeting him over a week before, he had unknowingly evaded Mr. Frasers influence and malevolent perversion.

He spotted a woman sleeping in the parking lot of the same office he had called earlier that day, the anticipation of his night stimulated his desire for immediate pleasure and he knocked on the window on which the woman’s head rested. As she shuffled a bit, he racked his brain for something to do to her. She fell asleep again, the bitch, he knocked again and then moved his face closer to the woman’s through the window. He saw vague movement and in another moment, he felt the tip of his nose slam against his face and the loud crack seemed to deafen him, then make him unconscious.

Fifteen minutes passed before an ambulance was summoned and Mr. Fraser was hurried through to A&E, with the phone still tucked away in his blazer.

YouTube’s Greatest – Colbchella’s Get Lucky

The Colbert Report was meant to have Daft Punk come on to perform Get Lucky, but they pulled out a couple of hours before the show. Steven Colbert’s plan B is decidedly better that the original plan.

This makes the original Get Lucky song the third best version of the song I’ve heard now.

Featuring Bryan Freaking Cranston, Hugh “The House” Laurie, Jeff “Dude” Bridges, Matt Damon and Jimmy Fallon.

A Three Part Story: The Employee

The second part that all seven of you have been waiting for! Stay tuned folks!

The Employee

Amelia Smith wrecked her mind with nonsensical problems, lying tortuously between reality and unconsciousness before the shrill cackling of her alarm pulled her into her life. Her mornings began with her gaze dropping lazily to her left, scanning the bed for her husband. Her heart wretched because unfortunately, the only time his miserable face wasn’t staring back through closed eyelids was when he was facing away.

Her eyes stayed fixed despondently on the paper-white front door as she descended the stairs. The distant voice of a boy saying, “Pass the…erm…butter” punched a hole in her stomach that filled with a familiar severe reluctance and her sight blurred with acquiescent tears which she blinked into suppression. She continued statically towards the kitchen and the sound of four thumb tips tapping two Blackberry Bold 9900s.

The door closed behind her. At this point, she always imagined that she’d just escaped her cell, but was now stuck in the prison complex, on her way to another cell.

Even my thoughts are fucking bland and automated.

She drove to work. Traffic. Lots of people in their cars looking as depressed and tired as she did.

That’s good I guess.

She got to work at 8:34am. 26 minutes early.

Now what?

She sat at her desk and began working. Typing. Answered the phone. The man shouted at her and hung up. She breathed the tears in sharply. Typing. Spreadsheets. Fifteen minute lunch break outside.

This should be nice.

She tried to smile at a male doctor who passed her, but the muscles around her lips seemed to twitch nervously and she felt like it was too difficult. It didn’t matter. The man didn’t give her a side glance.

Asshole.

She sat in her chair. Stared at her computer monitor.

Her boss fired her. Something different.

On the drive home, her calm outer appearance harmoniously contained the quietly violent beatings of her heart. Tears built in her eyes until they uniformly crawled down the bottom of her chin, and then dropped off and out of existence. Amelia became submerged in panic and felt suddenly as if she was drowning in insanity when she realised that she was crying because what she was trying to figure out was which rabbits to sell to each town. Confusing reality with my imagination while trying to sleep is one thing, but it can’t be normal to be doing this while driving. Can it? She followed this thought by the realisation that she didn’t know any town names and was making them up. She parked the car.

A large fist emerged from the dark night and rapped the window of the car, sending vibrations rippling through Amelia’s skull. Her head slowly gravitated away from the window, fell back against the headrest, and then lopped to the left. Ecstasy formed a vacuum in her lungs when she opened her eyes to the vacant seat. Her eyes happily closed for a second before the glass between her startled ear and the intrusive knuckle shook irritatingly again. She turned her gaze to the suited form whose faceless head stared parallel to her face through the window on the right side of the car. Her hand trembled on the door handle, which she unlocked quietly without pushing the door outwards. Then in one motion, she slid round on the seat so the heels of her feet faced the crack of the door and her legs extended violently outward from a 45 degree angle, snapping the heels on her shoes and splitting the unidentified mound in the middle of the featureless face, creating a splash of red against the white. Amelia fell on the figure and threw her fists against the face. Splatters of crimson blood painted the blank face and deep purple bruises bled under the skin. She stopped only when she could no longer see white. She collectedly got into the car and drove out of the car park.

YouTube’s Greatest – Bad Motherfuckers

Don’t be put off/misled by the thumbnail. You may be happy/disappointed to know that those ladies, and really any ladies, are featured in this video for like two seconds for the sole purpose of leading boners to this video.

This is the most kick-ass music video where the song is outclassed by the video, which is basically a Tarantino sci-fi film shot from first-person view like Mirror’s Edge.