This is a script I wrote for the Cafe Society, which will be performing in Brighton and Hove. It’s only short though. Eight minutes. And also, I just found out it costs £9 to get in. I was planning on going to see it but now I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth £9 to see. Probably not. So here’s the script. It was written two hours before what I thought was the deadline (DANGER ZONE). Act it out yourself at home! I do it…alone. Everyday.
Send your scripts, praise or criticise me in the comments. .
The TV show debate
Adam and Terry sit at their table, deciding what to order
Adam: (not taking his eyes off the menu) What you gettin’?
Terry: (smiling a wide smile, staring at the menu)….
Adam: (turns to look at Terry)
Terry: It says fappucino (turns to Terry with a huge smile)
Adam: That says frappucino. Are you stoned?
Terry: (dopey) So fucking stoned, which is why my red eyes are set on that cookie (nods to the cookies)
Adam: (smiles, looking for an answer) Are you getting that then?
Terry: (exhales, defeated) Aah, I dunno. The frappucino or the cookie?
Adam: Either.
Terry: Dunno.
Adam: (indecisively, looking for confirmation) I think I might get the(lengthens the “the”)…caramel frapp- actually I’ll just get a hot chocolate. Safe option.
Terry: Get me one too.
Adam: Come with me to get it?
Terry: It was hard enough getting here, but now I’m hettled…(starts laughing uncontrollably, but a silent laughter, more like heavy exhaling)…
Adam waiting, smiling slightly at his laughing friend, not sure what he’s laughing at
Adam: (laughs, unsure) What’s so funny?
Terry: (through his laughter, inhaling and laughing in between words) I meant…I was supposed….(unable to finish his sentence)…
Adam is laughing slightly more as the sentence goes on, despite not knowing what Terry is laughing at
Terry: I was gonna say….say…”here”….(bursts out again)…but I changed my mind to….”settled”…I said “hettled”.
Adam: (laughter turns false and he smiles. Inquisitively) Aren’t you paranoid?
Terry: (forgetting what was funny, genuinely lost) Paranoid at..at what?
Adam: Paranoid that everyone knows you’re as high as Felix fucking…what’s his face…(snaps fingers while trying to remember)…the skydiving dude.
Terry: Shit… they know I’m baked? Did someone say something to you?
Adam: No man…it’s just that, when I get high, I start feeling like everyone knows how high I am…and I start worrying that they’ll judge me as a stoner.
Terry: (adding) And that they might call 911.
Adam: (correcting him) 999?
Terry: (oblivious) Either.
Adam: (raises eyebrows) Yeah…but why would someone call (emphasises) 999?
Terry: Because I’m high.
Adam: Are you disturbing anyone?
Terry: (looks around, trying to find an answer to his question, then moves in close to Adam and whispers loudly) Actually, bare people are just kinda…staring at me.
Adam: Because you looked like you were laughing, but you weren’t really making noise.
Terry: (smiling, hopefully looking for a reason to laugh again) Why was I laughing again?
Adam: I’m gonna go order.
Adam goes over to order. Terry soon gets up and goes towards where they keep the sugar packets. He grabs a few packets of white and brown sugar and takes them back to his table. He spills one on the table and reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He takes out his credit card and looks around. He starts to split the pile of sugar into lines. He looks for a note in his wallet to use, but there is nothing there. He walks over to get a straw, eyeing a girl defensively as he walks back. She looks over and sees his little faux cocaine set-up. His eyes stay looking up as he bows his head, trying to pretend to snort the sugar through the straw, but he accidentally snorts it, instinctively blows hard out of his nose, blowing the sugar across the table and he draws back quickly.
Adam comes over with a couple of coffees, walking towards Terry. Terry wipes the tables, ready for the drinks, but Adam stops at the girl’s table and hands her the coffees. Adam then goes back to get some more and sits across from Terry with the drinks.
Terry: Why’d you get her coffees?
Adam: Can’t I be nice?
Terry: Do you wanna fuck her?
Adam: (taken aback, nervous) Wha-
Terry: God, that sounded crude. People say it all the time on TV and it seems fine. Do you like her?
Adam: Not really man, I’m just trying to be nice.
Adam and Terry carry on talking, but quietly. Another girl joins the girl at the table near Adam and Terry.
Sabrina: (uncaring) That dude just brought our coffees.
Pam: He wants your V Sabrina.
Sabrina: You know, apparently, because of TV and films and whatnot, guys are brainwashed into thinking of a girl as a…like, reward. So…say…that dude (she nods towards Adam)…he brings my- our coffee…he thinks because he did that, he deserves us. In films, the romanticised male protagonist-…
Pam: (adding) The one who turns more men on than women….
Sabrina: …goes through all his troubles and gets over the conflict and then the girl is his. It’s more effective in films like Superbad, where each one of these unfuckable nerds has their eyes set on a girl WAY out of their league…
Pam: Yeah, surely those dudes would have lost their virginity to some fat girl half way through uni…
Sabrina: Jesus Pam, there’s fat people all around us, so…inside voice, you know? (recovering from mild surprise) Anyway, these nerds get the most beautiful girls, just because…it’s their reward…I mean…WE’RE their reward. It’s fucked up. There’s never a film where an ugly chick gets a beautiful man.
Pam: True…although….nah…
Sabrina: What?
Pam: Well…Shallow Hal has Jack Black get an obese woman.
Sabrina: Yeah but…Jack Black isn’t exactly on par with Emma Stone…and plus, Gweneth Paltrow uses prosthetics to be obese…they can’t use a real obese actresses?
They carry on talking. Adam and Terry’s conversation becomes louder.
Adam: Jack Black?
Terry: What?
Adam: That girl said Jack Black.
Terry: That guy must get so much pus-
Adam: Terry…
Terry: (confounded) I just can’t say it…Jack Black must get a lot of women, don’t you think?
Adam: Yeah, he’s too fucking confident.
Terry: I don’t think he gives a flying fuck about what people think…(making sure he’s focussing) Adam?
Adam: Yeah?
Terry: I have a philosophy.
Adam: I’m listening.
Terry: …
Adam: …
Terry: … (Terry begins to start trying to recall his philosophy)
Adam: …What the fuck man, say something.
Terry: …I…Oh, well, you know how people don’t do stuff because they think other people will judge them?
Adam: What?
Terry: Like…say we’re walking down the street and we wanna do some awesome, cool, secret handshake…
Adam: What secret handshake?
Terry: It’s hypothectic man.
Adam: (correcting him) Hypothetical, go on.
Terry: We might not do it because we think that people watching will think we’re weird or something.
Adam: Strange example, but I understand…that’s not a philosophy.
Terry: (eager to finish) Just…wait. So…I think that everything would be better…if we regarded ourselves as main characters and other people as extras.
Adam: …
Terry: …like in a TV show.
Adam: (as if Terry was being condescending) I know what you mean.
Terry: In TV shows, the characters do the stupidest things and none of them ever consider how the other people in the scene will think of them…that’s because they’re just extras….who gives a shit about them right? They don’t talk, they’re not part of the story, they’ll never be used in the TV show ever again. They don’t matter. So it’s the same with real life…why do we give a shit about what other people think, they probably won’t bother us, they’ll judge us but it’ll effect fuck all in our lives…and best of all, we’ll never see any of those assholes again. We are the main characters. I’m the main character. All these people (motions to people in cafe), they’re fucking extras. We are the protagonists.
Adam: Holy shit Terry, that’s pretty damn insightful.
Terry: It makes me want to care so much less about how others think of me. Fuck thinking twice before being weird, the best TV show characters are weird. Also…I think we should all just fucking do the most interesting stuff presented to us in our boring lives….how many times have you turned down something awesome for no reason….not just something awesome…just anything. Imagine all the times you could have done something you turned down. Imagine the adventures we’ve missed.
Adam starts imagining.
Terry: Don’t actually…I said that for impact.
Adam: Ok…so while I’m still temporarily motivated by your speech and philosophy, do you wanna go and…I dunno…do something?
Terry: Definitely!….I’ve got some more weed at home.
Adam: Sick.
They get up and leave. Sabrina and Pam’s conversation is heard.
Pam: They left.
Sabrina: He didn’t even try to come on to me.
Pam: (laughs at her) Plenty more fish and what have you.
Sabrina: No, I’m actually glad…and I know it might seem like I’m saying that to save face, but my face is fine…no saving needs to be done.
Pam: I wouldn’t say no saving.
Sabrina: (ignorant of the insult) Don’t most guys who do something nice for you try and follow it up with a flirty conversation or something?
Pam: (bored) Sure.
Sabrina: Maybe not everyone lives in a film.