I can’t write a full post today, because I’ve been busy YET AGAIN. Seriously, this won’t happen regularly. I’m never busy.
But there’s this, and it might be one of the funniest scenes in Ricky Gervais’ Extras.
Please watch it, I guarantee you’ll laugh.
If you don’t then…well fuck you. Leave my blog.
Here’s a very well-made flyer of the Cafe Society who are directing and performing my eight minute piece, along with some other less important ones.
If you wanna write or act with them, I think you can just email them. So go ahead a click the image to get to the website.
I’m not gonna be funny now because I have to go to a wedding and that’s not funny. It’s sad. And time-wasting.
I just fucking got The Last of Us on PS3.
Also, buy tickets. For that show I mentioned.
I apologise for another missed post, this time because I was actually busy all day. I am very rarely busy, but from morning to night I somehow found myself preoccupied.
After taking my sister shopping briefly in the morning, I went to the Natural History Museum with two people. Both of whom happily made occasionally random noises including but not limited to meowing and Spongebob laughter.
I also found myself alone in a dark room with a giant human foetus.
When I returned home, there were puppies. We lit those puppies. It was awesome. They were potent puppies.
There’s a few things wrong with making this blog. It’s not my writing, obviously. That’s up to standards every day. It’s more to do with the blog layout.
As awesome as this theme is, it means all the information is at the bottom of the page. And I have deeply rooted fears that people are missing the important links and such which are out of view.
I’m particular worried that people cannot see the “Follow via Email” link. That can be the only reason I have so few followers. I’m not in denial. Why would you think that? You’re in denial. Asshole.
If you can’t be bothered to scroll down, here’s a picture
See, there’s a search box…to search things. It’s like a shitter Google. At least all the RESULTS will RESULT in laughter. That’s the kind of humour you’re missing.
There’s comment things. To see who’s commented. Interesting stuff. And if you comment, you’ll have your name up there! How cool would that be huh?
Also, there’s a link to globalgrey.co.uk. Which is a useful website, especially if you do English Literature and can’t afford to buy all the books. Like me.
Most importantly, there’s a little button that straight up demands that you “Follow”.
Support this website and keep me from self-harm. You don’t want my blood on your hands.
Click the underlined links for full effect.
10
When Brent tells his boss that he promised his employees no redundancies.
JENNIFER: Well, surely it’s going to be worse for morale in the long run when there are redundancies and you’ve told people that there won’t be.
[pause]
BRENT: They won’t remember.
9
Tim loves annoying his oblivious co-worker. And of course such a boy will be born. He shall be called Sharkboy and will grow up to play an alpaca in Twilight.
TIM: What are you thinking Gareth?
GARETH: I was thinking, will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?
8
Addressing complaints from his new employers.
BRENT: You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who’s basically a chilled –out entertainer.
7
Talking about Comic Relief and the type of arguments that go on in the Henry-French household.
BRENT: Oh, what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going, “Where are you going, you haven’t done the washing up. You haven’t put the rubbish out”
[puts up middle finger]
“DO IT YOURSELF, I’VE GOTTA SAVE SOME AFRICANS!”
6
Going down into the office warehouse.
TIM: Now guys, we’re about to enter a warehouse environment. Now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be some arse cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don’t talk to anyone though.
5
Brent’s political correctness turning politically incorrect.
BRENT: It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go “Ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.” Yeah, well at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not. It’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.
4
Talking about his mate, Finchy, who he idolises.
BRENT: Chris Finch was in an argument once and he went, “How can I hate women, my Mum’s one”…Yeah? There’s a lot of truth in that.
3
He really is. He has a music video.
BRENT: People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: “You’re not fooling anyone”, they know I’m rock and roll through and through.
2
Tim being funny.
TIM: I think it was John Lennon who said, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” And that’s how I feel. Although he also said, “I am the Walrus, I am the eggman,” so I don’t know what to believe.
1
Tim’s awesome self-depreciating humour. My favourite funny quote.
TIM: I’m a heck of a catch, cos…er, well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I’ve had since…yep, since I was born. That’s seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I’m a quitter. So, er…form an orderly queue ladies.
For anyone keeping track (I know that sounds extremely optimistic), I didn’t make a post yesterday. Which felt scandalous after I’d given as little effort as I could to the post the day before (“Phrasing. BOOM!“). If you haven’t watched that video yet, watch it. I’m sure it’ll change your life for the better.
I’m afraid I’ve disappointed my few followers, among them a blogger who considers himself a prophet.
Fuck you all. A prophet follows my blog. I’ve basically made it.
Also, here is a note to explain my absence.
The newer and better “that’s what she said” from the amazing TV show, Archer.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to audition for the Cafe Society (the one I wrote the script for). Now, I have no pretensions as to whether I can act or not. I didn’t expect to go in there and wow them. But I didn’t rule it out as a possibility. Deluded, maybe. Hopeful, very.
I got to the pub where the auditions were being held and I waited outside. For nothing, mind you. The auditions had started. The whole time, I was very aware I alone was occupying a whole table bench. And ashing on the floor before I saw the ashtray near my elbow.
I hesitantly walked into the room after asking both the waitress and the bar staff “where the auditions things are being held”. My conversational skills are through the fucking roof. Naturally, I’d walked in when people were performing, which made me worried that I’d ruined their scene.
But that wasn’t my fault.
I’m kidding of course! I was barely focusing on their scene.
I was mostly thinking, “I don’t want to do this any more, how the hell can I do that?”. These thoughts were partially incited by the directors very directory comments like “You’ve got to be more abstract, but realistic at the same time”. Come on, is that even possible? I thought about it and decided it wasn’t.
Eventually, it was my turn to go and read. Which is exactly what I did. Read. Head down, reading aloud from the script then, only once I’d finished reading, did I look up into the eyes of the person I was acting with and make dramatic gestures that were long overdue.
The director told me to put more action into it. So I read the script aloud then mechanically pointed my finger at the other actor. The script needed no pointing. It was a bit more off-putting when I was acting with a lovely elderly woman, and I had to accuse her of using a “pink dildo” twice. Because I didn’t get it right the first time.
As I finished, the director seemed to usher me subtly to the door. Smart fucking move. I was like a amateur guitarist trying to jam with an obscure indie band.
He acknowledged my faults in acting. I acknowledged my faults in acting. There was a mutual agreement on my poor acting and I left.
A week or so later,
Unfortunately we’re not going to offer you a place in the company at this time, mostly just through your lack of experience.
I would have been worried about my script if he’d accepted me. But he also wrote this,
But we would love for you to keep involved and write lots of pieces for us
Which was awesome.
Do you wanna hear what Dan Harmon said about Moses Port and Guarascio’s Season 4 of Community.
“Watching those characters without me there was not fucking cool, man. It’s like flipping through instagrams just watching your girlfriend just blow millions of people.”
What a gem that is huh? Harmon is clearly fucking brilliant at similes and metaphors. But wait a second, it gets better.
“There’s something awesome about having any and all of those preconceived notions kind of ripped away from you. It’s exciting. There’s something awesome about being held down and watching your family get raped on a beach. It’s liberating. It makes you focus on what’s important.”
He has such a way with words. And maintains an oddly repetitive connection between his show and examples of voyeurism that are “way too specific to be improvised”. That’s a quote from Jeff in the pilot. Did you get that? Ah, you got it.
Wait…why a beach?
To even begin to list all the TV shows I like would take me longer than I’d care to spend on writing my opinion to no one. I’d do a poll to see the favourite TV shows of the majority, but I’m afraid that there’ll be a landslide victory of 1 vote to none. So, why don’t you just tell me some of the TV shows you hold in the highest regard in the comments? I know people like saying their opinions, so let me know. And I can tell you if you’re right or wrong.
I’ve attached a picture of my hard drive containing most of the TV shows I watch. See, I figured out an easy way to make my opinions heard and it took practically no brain-power.
What was that? Of course they were all legally attained…why…why would you even ask such a question?
Musings and books from a grunty overthinker
Online Home of Christopher Vitale, Associate Professor of Media Studies, The Graduate Program in Media Studies, Pratt Institute, Brooklyn, NY.
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